And the moment you’ve all been waiting for… a piece of Jenn’s mind for you all to enjoy :)
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Guest posting provides the perfect chance to write and edit and rearrange and proofread the first impression others will have of you. I could probably rant on for days on the merits of my awesomeness to get you to like me. Instead, I’m going to compare myself to someone you already like - Deva - to establish my credibility and attempt to prove myself better in some circumstances.
Deva’s interests on her 20sb profile could almost be mine. For a person I’ve never met, she sure does like the same stuff as I do.
“Likes: singing, coffee, music, sunshine, laughter, Arrested Development (the show), Michael Buble, tap dancing, broccoli, sour patch kids, kayaking”
IDENTICAL TWINS
Singing: If I could have any talent, it would be to sing. That way, when I sang really loudly to strangers while stopped at stoplights, they might actually enjoy it instead of pointing and laughing.
Coffee: Venti skinny iced vanilla latte from Starbucks. Tall caramel apple spice. Grande non-fat no-whip peppermint mocha. Venti iced unsweetened passion tea. Those are my Starbucks orders according to season: summer, fall, winter, and spring.
Music: I love 90s pop, vulgar techno, soft rock, and country. Many may acknowledge that to be the worst taste in music. EVER.
Sunshine: While natural sunlight on a beach with handsome men and free daiquiris is preferred, I have been known to indulge in the indoor phenomenon known as the Fake N’ Bake. Spare me the lecture - I’m in that invincible period in my life, so skin cancer isn’t even on my radar.
Laughter: I’m not funny. Because of this, I think everyone else in the world IS. I’m convinced that it is laughter that has kept my abs from melting during the years since I quit soccer.
Arrested Development: We’re not friends if you haven’t watched it. Seriously. I have now begun to reference this show in my daily conversations and if you can’t keep up, you’re out. Please leave the runway.
FRATERNAL TWINS
Michael Buble: I only know a song or two. He strikes me as a wanna-be Edwin McCain, and a little too emotional. I’m willing to give it a shot if he promises to stop whining.
Tap dancing: I am not a dancer. The only dancer feature I’ve got is incredible turnout, but I’m pretty sure that only counts in ballet. However, I’m always fascinated by watching people do things I can’t do, and I can respect someone who can shuffle about for hours and make it look artistic. Most of the time when I shuffle about I just look lazy.
Broccoli: We have a love-hate relationship. I love steamed broccoli, broccoli on pizza, cheese and broccoli, broccoli cheddar soup, etc. Because of this, my mind conspires against my taste buds to insist that I enjoy all kinds of broccoli. Not true. I continuously put raw broccoli in salads and I continuously pick it out.
Sour patch kids: Again with the love-hate. I get cravings for them, buy a bag, and eat three. After scrunching my face up and choking down the sourness, I remember why I don’t usually buy them.
Kayaking: Never done it. I want to, but I’m pretty sure it involves nature, and I don’t really DO nature.
After examining and analyzing our shared (or not-so-shared) interests, I’ve compiled a few suggestions for Deva on how to become more like me.
1. Switch out Michael Buble for John Mayer. Less whining, hotter girlfriends.
2. Trade tap dancing for pilates. You still look goofy doing it, but there are fewer sequins involved.
3. Ice cream is the new broccoli.
4. Sour patch kids out, Swedish fish in. The great taste of artificial red flavoring without the bite.
5. You don’t need to go kayaking when you can watch other people do it on TV. Even if that TV is set to Law&Order and America’s Next Top Model marathons, the mere fact that you CAN watch kayaking is enough.
Those are my suggestions on how to complete the Deva-Jenn transformation. If you like Deva just the way she is, in all her awesomeness (and come on, who doesn’t?), head on over to you’ll grow to love me to get your Jenn fix.
Until then, I’m out like a mute kid in Bingo.
