now what?

I’m trying not to have a quarter-century crisis, but I’m afraid it has already settled in.

Last night I figured out what I wanted from life – to be happy.  I kinda knew that all along, but that’s my primary motivation behind most of my activities.

But what else?  What if I don’t know what will make me happy?  I’m talking big stuff – jobs, significant others, geographic location… that kind of thing.

I’m up against a wall right now.  A wall of options… and there are zillions of them.

Now’s the time to make another major change.  Like, right now.  Changes need to start happening ASAP.

The only regular/nonchanging thing in my life right now is my running goal (as in, my “goal of running”).  I’m still going strong on my Couch to 5K program :)

workaholism

I work too much.  I know this, and I’m not okay with it.  

Believe it or not, I’m at work right now.  I should be at my tap class, but I’m not – I’m too busy working. 

Honestly, I’d rather be at my dance class, but that’s mostly because I’m so freaking stressed out.  Work is stressing me out.  What else is new?  At least I’m doing an excellent job (I think) at covering up my anxiety. 

In my first job, it kinda stinks to be this bad of a workaholic.  This is setting the standard for the rest of my working life (which could also be the rest of my actual life).  It was bad enough being a quasi-overachiever in college – this is a whole different level. 

I wonder if this kind of stuff looks good on a resume: 

My name is Deva and I’m a workaholic.  If chose to work for you, I will work 12 hours a day AND work from home.  Did I mention I work weekends when needed?  I also have a hard time thinking of things besides work.  

What ever happened to work-life balance?  It’s totally not happening right now.  I don’t want to be a workaholic. 

Someone save me.

estou mudando

How about a video to start:

So yeah, I’m changing… a little bit.

There are so many things about my life right now that I don’t like or enjoy. The main thing is the lack of regularity. Right now, the only scheduled thing in my life is work. Work, work, work.

That’s sad because God knows I don’t live to just work. I can’t forget to actually live.

It’s easy for me to spend a lot of time at work, because I don’t have anything else scheduled in my life. I get to work early and leave later than I’d like. Then I come home, loaf around, eat, shower and sleep. My weekends are almost equally as boring.

Moral of the story, kids: I don’t want to miss out on life because I spend all of my time working.

So, the changes:

1. I absolutely need to have a not-so-strict/slightly flexible schedule of events that include, but are not limited to – going to the gym, tap dance, hanging with friends, and hobby stuff (reading, singing, TV etc).

2. I have to make new friends (not that my current friends are less than awesome, because they’re not) in this ginormous city. Let me tell you – it ain’t easy. Suggestions are welcome.

3. This is very much contingent on the weather, but I need to get out and do more stuff. Staying inside all day makes me crazy. I’m already crazy.

***Side note: I don’t know how many times I’ve mentioned these mini-life changes in past entries, but with the new move to Queens 2 coming up in a few days, I feel like now is a really good time to start over (again). I’ll try to be successful this time.

what now?

So, I’ve moved (back) to the Northeast. I’ve landed a good job in Manhattan. I’ve started the rest of my life.

Why am I still not satisfied?

Aside from the fact that I absolutely hate my daily commute from Connecticut to NYC, I feel like I would still be dissatisfied even if I lived somewhere in NYC.

That worries me.

I would be closer to friends, I could sleep until 8am instead of 6am, my transportation within the city would be free (instead of $300, approximately), I could hang out on the weekends and meet people in New York… you get the picture.

What else do I want out of life?

I’m having a hard time trying to figure out what I want out of my life right now. It seems like something inside of me is constantly longing for something more. I cross things off of my “life goals” list while I continue to add more to it.

I just want to spend 5 minutes being content with what I have, without wanting more. Is that too much to ask?

I’m outta here…

Tonight is my last night in Maryland FOREVER.

For some reason, I’m completely emotion-less about it – I have absolutely no feelings whatsoever about this relocation I’m about to pursue. I mean, I’m moving to Connecticut (and soon after, to NYC)… that’s a big deal, right? I’ve never lived in Connecticut before.

But no. No emotions from me. I think I’ve been thinking too much about other things (mostly whether or not all of my crap will fit into my car) – and the idea of “leaving the place where I spent the past 2 years of my life” hasn’t really sunk in.

…so, it’s 12:06am and unfortunately I’m just realizing I don’t really have time to write at the moment. I have about 5 trillion other things I need to get done before 8:30am… I’ll have to write more when I get home (my parents house in Virginia). I’ll reflect a bit and perhaps try to conjure up some emotions.

Oh, and did I mention I’m really excited about seeing my dog when I get home? I even bought him an adorable doggie treat from the mall :)

Adios, College Park FOREVER. It’s been real. And by real I mean, bunk. And by bunk I mean, grad school has almost sucked every ounce of happiness and optimism out of my life and I’m so glad it’s over…

about me

I just came across this website called Blogthings full of all kinds of “informative” quizzes. After pondering on what I’ve always wanted to know about myself, I took a stab at them.

1. What Deva Means:

You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.
You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.
People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are very hyper. You never slow down, even when it’s killing you.
You’re the type of person who can be a workaholic during the day… and still have the energy to party all night.
Your energy is definitely a magnet for those around you. People are addicted to your vibe.

You are usually the best at everything … you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic “Type A” personality.

Those results are about 98% right. How does it know so much about me based on my first name? Freaky…

2. What the House Test Says About You

You consider yourself important, but no more important than anyone else. You love attention, but you don’t feel like you deserve more of it than anyone else.

You aren’t against being community oriented, but it’s not really your thing. You tend to prefer to focus on your family and not the neighborhood around you.

You are creative, expressive, and bright. You are always in the middle of some amazing project.

You take good care of your physical appearance. You dress well, stay in shape, and do your best to look great.

You are moved by what’s exotic and unique. You often have the mentality of a traveler, even when you’re not traveling.

Wow. Seriously, this quiz was only 5 questions… I don’t know how they figured me out.

3. Where Should You Live?

You Should Live in a Small City

You are definitely an urban person, but not any old city will do.
You want a city that matches you well. For you, big cities lack individuality.
You prefer a smaller city with lots of personality, local culture, and history.

Well then. I guess that’s that. I actually have no idea where I will end up once I settle down, but this kinda gives me an idea.

I think I’ve learned enough about me for one day.

complaining

It’s been 24 days since I graduated, and I’m still unemployed. I feel like summer has been flying by and I’ve been doing a whole lot of nothing in the meantime. It took me about 2 days to pack up my stuff and 2 weeks to sell most of my furniture. Unfortunately, no one wants my loft bed right now. I could really use the money for that bed.

I’m sick of this.

Plus, in the midst of this nothingness, I need to plan my “trip” to Atlanta. The only problem is, I don’t know where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing in mid-July, so I can’t make any travel arrangements. As a planner (I blame my parents), I cannot stand waiting until the last minute to plan things. I can’t afford an expensive plane ticket and the overnight train option is definitely out. Of course, driving was never an option.

I’m going crazy and I can’t relax.

This transitional phase between school and work needs to end soon.

***Side note: Out of all the books I’ve started reading since late May, I’m currently reading my most recent purchase, The Stories of Eva Luna by Isabel Allende. It’s really good so far.

it’s 12:42am, and I’m bored

I stole this from one of my blog pals, Kay. Thanks :)

Anyway, questions:

1. What did you do 10 years ago?

- 10 years ago from today? Oh gosh – I was 14 and just finishing up 8th grade. Maybe this was the summer when my choir sang at Carnegie Hall… I think it was. That was an interesting trip – being a tourist in the city I was born in.

2. 5 items on your to-do list today:

- apply for jobs, buy coffee, go to the gym, call my uncle, and read. My life isn’t too exciting right now.

3. Snacks I enjoy:

- Recently, I’ve been eating a lot of watermelon. I need to stock up on some next time I’m at Whole Foods.

4. What would you do if you were a billionaire?

- Take care of my family. Of course. Whatever they need, I’d cover. I have a fairly large family, so hopefully I’d have some money left after this.

- I would take all of my closest friends on a trip to wherever. Basically, we’d hit up every continent.

- I’m definitely into the house renovation thing – I’ve always wanted to do something like that.

- Pay off grad school loans.

- Buy a new wardrobe. and a new computer. and an ipod touch. and a miniature pig. and an awesome loft in New York City to live in…

5. Places I would live:

- Costa Rica; Valencia, Spain; anywhere in England; Washington DC (one day); Hawaii

6. Bloggers I am passing the challenge onto are:

Whoever feels the need to answer these questions. Go for it, ya’ll.

my first Pride Parade

I went to my first Pride Parade today. Although I’m not into the ladies (I love the guys) most of my closest friends are homosexual – so I went in support of my pals (and the LGBT community). Unexpectedly, I left with a lot of goodies:

I didn’t even have to flash anyone for these… only scream at the top of my lungs. I gave up once it started raining buckets.

I hate peanuts. I was really hoping these were pretzels, so I took them. Now I know not to fly Southwest because they serve peanuts.

Everyone was tossing candy at the crowds, so I got plenty of that. One group threw bouncy balls at us. That was pretty awesome (but weird).

The gay couple standing next to us gave us their extra condoms. I didn’t want to ask why they were giving them up, so I just took them. Perhaps they could tell I wasn’t a lesbian. Whatever the case may be, I hope those guys are practicing safe sex.

I am so tired right now. All that Pride really wore me out, I guess.

life update

Sorry ya’ll (and Kay)… I’ve definitely been M.I.A. for the past few days. My pal, Adam, was here (for the last time) so I had to hang out with him.

Anyways, I bring no new news. No one called me back on Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday… Bummer. So, either I didn’t get the job, she still hasn’t made a decision, or she forgot to call me. Obviously, I’m hoping for the latter, but I guess all are equally probable.

In the meantime, I’ve been trying to figure out ways to keep myself occupied without spending money. In most situations, spending money has kinda been inevitable… like today. I needed boxes in order to pack up more stuff and Shopper’s doesn’t have any free boxes at the end of the night. I hate Shopper’s, by the way.

Some other activities I’ve done up in the past few days are:

1. Movie watching – it’s not really free (silly Netflix) but whatever. It’s a big deal for me to watch movies because I have a hard time sitting still on my extremely uncomfortable couch. I’ve seen Sicko (good movie), Hostel (really, really stupid movie – and not scary), and Charlie Wilson’s War (very good movie). I wanted to watch The Man Who Knew Too Much tonight, but Netflix is having problems with their “instant viewing” right now. Lame.

2. Ukulele playing- I found a few websites with free uke music. Last night, I learned the Good Ol’ Song. I’m a good UVA alum, I guess :)

3. Picture taking – There was a crazy mini-storm tonight, so I decided I wanted to take a picture of lightning. It only took about 3 minutes of random picture snapping before I got this one:

I’m sorry it’s blurry… I fail. Whatever – I’m over it.

So that’s all. I think I’ll spend tomorrow packing up more stuff and maybe putting more of my furniture on Craigslist. I’m really, really hoping this week is my lucky week with jobs. I mean, this Friday is Friday the 13th… maybe that’ll work to my advantage this year. I need it to. I’m absolutely sick of waiting for jobs to call me back.